The best chain restaurant tax day specials, ranked by trashiness
It’s tax day, everyone — that special time of year when chain restaurants cash in on our collective angst by offering us discounts.
Every year, we look to the brands in order to take advantage of our paltry rebate checks with hallucinogenic mocktails. And oh, how they nourish. Chains provide an emotional social safety net our government just refuses to extend.
Forget whatever “vegetable kick” you’re on. Abandon all calorie counts, ye who enter this consumerist hellscape.
Here are the best discounts our chains are offering today.
Rank and rejoice.
Can someone please invent an advent calendar counting down the days until IPAs are no longer popular? Blue Point clearly didn’t get my non-existent memo and is celebrating the holiday by releasing a special IPA. The company will give you a free four-pack with your purchase of a first four-pack if you can also prove you’ve paid your taxes. Guess Trump won’t qualify.
Score: 1/10. This is far too artisanal and delicious to be considered garbage. A truly epic trash food fail.
Ah, nothing like insider tax day humor. Quiznos is also offering a free 4-inch sub to those who download their app.
Score: 3/10 for the dad joke.
3. Two sides, half chicken, cornbread and fountain soda, $10.40, Boston Market
If you’ve got a sweet tooth for factory-farmed chicken, check out Boston Market’s Tax Day special and make sure to order the only good thing on their menu, mashed potatoes.
Score: 5/10 on the trashiness scale — points taken for offering a leafy green as a side.
Is there any place that reminds you less of our beautiful primavera than Chili’s, the regional cuisine of the exurbs? Whatever. Their spring drink is loaded with sugar and millennial pink and available for all of April.
Score: 7/10 on the trashiness scale. Three points were removed for an explicit reference to nature.
5. One free cookies-and-cream cookie at the Great American Cookie company, select locations
Any cookie that’s not a Chip’s Ahoy! cookie is a good cookie.
Score: 6/10 on the trashiness scale. There’s just not enough saturated fat here for it to qualify as a high-trash food.
6. One free Bloomin’ Onion if you say “Bloomin’ Onion’ at Outback Steakhouse
The Bloomin’ Onion is great, but saying it out loud is deeply humiliating.
Score: 7/10. Onions are too vegetabley to count as trash.
7. Buy one large cheese pizza, get one cheese pizza free at Chuck E. Cheese
This special discriminates against disgusting, corporate-pizza-loving adults like myself who don’t have children and can’t enter a Chuck E. Cheese on our own. Still, we’re glad to know it exists
Score: 8/10. What can we say? This pizza is good.
8. Half-priced cheeseburgers at select Sonic locations
Discounted meat fats made even cheaper: America, the beautiful.
Score: 9/10. One point knocked for there being no Sonic location near my house.
9. Dollaritas, Applebee’s dollar margaritas
Dollaritas are the best American capitalism has to offer. They’re so rich with added sugar you can’t detect the lack of flavor underneath. Imagine sucking back 50 Domino sugar packets at once, and that’s a Dollarita.
Dollaritas will be available for the entire month of April.
Score: 9.5/10 on the trashiness scale, largely for the Spanglish.
10. Free kids meal at Hooters after adults purchase a meal of $10 or more
Insatiable children, enormous breasts, and moderate discounts are the red, white, and blue of this country.
Score: 10/10. Congratulations to our winner, and to every trashy brand competing in this spectacular marketing gimmick.