Nintendo claims Mario is 26 years old and I am here to put a stop to it
“Power is always dangerous. Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best.” – Edward Abbey
The other day I had a thought.
There is no general consensus in the world of science as to why we think, though it is considered to be an essential component to humanity. Since there is no true reason as to why thought occurs, I have no choice but to believe I was touched by some divine being; that I, and I alone, was the chosen bearer of this burdensome thought.
And that thought was: how old is Mario from the Mario Bros. games?
For the entirety of my life, up until this very moment, something had kept me from asking this question. I can’t explain why it suddenly came to me. It was as if my brain was subconsciously protecting me from the true answer.
I did a quick Google search to quell my curiosity and discovered something horrifying. Something no man was meant to see.
Mario from the Super Mario games, according to official Nintendo canon, is 26 years old.
I had defied God and this was my punishment.
I did some digging to confirm this horrendous fact and found this article from The Independent that made me audibly gasp at my desk. Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of Mario and for all intents and purposes, God of Nintendo, said this about his most famous creation: “Aside from the fact that he’s about 24-25 years old, we didn’t define anything else.”
I was taken aback. Not only is Mario even younger than 26, it’s the only thing about him that is actually set in stone.
We don’t need to get into why Mario is not 26, do we? The man is not 26. I am 26. Mario is my father’s age at the very youngest. This is obvious. In the Super Mario Bros. Super Show! he was portrayed by a 56-year-old man. It is unrealistic — nay, it is irresponsible to lead us to believe that Mario is 26.
Something is terribly wrong. It was incredibly obvious to me now that Shigeru Miyamoto had gone mad with power. His God complex knows no bounds and the only thing I knew for certain was that he must be stopped.
I did more digging on some of the other characters in the Mario universe. A decision I would soon come to regret.
“It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.” – Aung San Suu Kyi
I simply could not believe my eyes.
Why has nobody stood up to Mr. Miyamoto? This tyrant? This authoritarian who rules Nintendo with an iron fist? How did this responsibility fall to me? Will nobody else stand in his way?
I am here to put a stop to this. I am officially in charge here since nobody else seems to be. I am taking the reins. I will be your champion.
Mario is hereby 45 years old. This is now official canon. Luigi is 43.
Hear my Decree:
Mario is hereby 45 years old. This is now official canon. Luigi is 43. The mushroom on Toad’s head is part of his head and he doesn’t have hair underneath it. Please respect this as official Mario lore.
I have willed it, and so it shall come to pass. The days of Young Mario are behind us.