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I’m the guy who runs the computer simulation of your life and, oh shit, I spilled my whole drink on it – A N I T H
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I’m the guy who runs the computer simulation of your life and, oh shit, I spilled my whole drink on it

I’m the guy who runs the computer simulation of your life and, oh shit, I spilled my whole drink on it


This is me.

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Hi. In case you didn’t know: surprise! Your life is a simulation. 

Listen though, the reason I’m reaching out to you through this is because I accidentally spilled a drink on my computer and now your shit is alllllllll fucked up. I mean, this thing is really glitching out. 

This is not right at all. Yikes! My bad!

Something went big time wrong in your simulation when I dumped my whole drink on it. I mean, the program went totally off the rails and just started completely bugging. 

It looks like Donald Trump is somehow president of the United States in there right now? Yeah, Donald Trump is PRESIDENT. The guy that I created as an experiment to see what would happen if I made someone with all of their attributes set to 0. Let me tell you, him being even remotely popular is a completely unintended result of me spilling a huge iced tea directly onto my laptop. 

This was obviously never supposed to happen. 

I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that your consciousness and what you perceive as “life” is just a series of 1s and 0s. I mean how else would you explain what is happening in 2017? There is no other logical explanation for the events that have transpired other than that a digital simulation has started glitching. I’m sure you already came to this conclusion on your own.

If my boss sees this shit I am so fired.

I left my computer in rice for a day, roughly a year in simulation time, and man, things really fucked up. I’m reading some data right now and it looks like the guy who drew the Dilbert cartoons is a right wing political commentator now? Ugh, what the fuck. 

Please disregard that as it is obviously a result of the simulation shorting out when I spilled a huge-ass drink directly into the CPU. I mean, I EMPTIED this cup into the computer. 

I really, really messed up.

This is not good. I just found out that our reality A.I. created a being on its own during a glitch and its name is “Alex Jones” and it seems like he’s actually pretty popular among the simulation? Jesus H. Christ. 

Once again, this is not something that was ever supposed to happen and I urge you to remain calm while I try to towel off my laptop a little more. 

Does anyone have a good towel recommendation? A lotta these towels are just spreading it around.

Oh for fuck’s sake the severe weather app keeps making the same hurricane over and over again. Oh man, my boss is gonna have my ass for that one. I am so so sorry. I cannot catch a break! Shit!

Oh, Christ, what's this all about?

Oh, Christ, what’s this all about?

Yikes this is bad. I’m gonna call I.T. today and see if we can figure this out. Until then, just try to stay alive in there, OK?

I’m sorry!

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.



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Anith Gopal
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