Hello. I’m the paleontologist who keeps finding out more and more lame shit about dinosaurs, and I’m here to ruin your life.
You may remember me from last month, when I figured out that the tyrannosaurus rex, the vicious, real-life monster that frightened us all on the big screen in the 90’s, could not actually run. And I won’t stop finding out really lame shit about dinosaurs until you — until everyone, is no longer able to enjoy the film Jurassic Park.
I have dedicated my life to studying dinosaurs. Not for scientific curiosity, however, but so that one day you will be watching Jurassic Park and my findings actually break the immersion and ruin the experience for you. For instance: Did you know that dinosaurs were actually feathered? It’s true. Doesn’t that suck to learn? Also, they didn’t necessarily roar, they most likely cooed. Like a bird. Like a big bird.
Here’s another one for you: velociraptors were like half the size of the ones in the film. Just slightly bigger birds. That’s all dinosaurs were. I relish in the fact that you are retroactively enjoying Jurassic Park less. There is no greater joy to me. I love it.
Why am I doing this? Well, I’m a big dumb prick and I’m angry about digging all day. It sucks. But the fact that a real T. Rex would likely collapse under its own weight if it ever tried to sprint makes me grin like a fucking baby.
One day you will be watching Jurassic Park, like you always have throughout your life, and instead of experiencing unequaled wonderment, you will be unable to shake the image of a feathered T. Rex cooing harmlessly to itself. You might even change the channel.
Nobody has asked me to keep studying dinosaurs. In fact, many people have asked me to stop. Begged me in some cases. I send floral arrangements to Steven Spielberg’s office and I leave a little notecard on them that says, “I will not rest until your precious dinosaur film is ruined.”
Why am I doing this? Well, I’m a big dumb prick and I’m angry about digging all day. It sucks.
Remember when Dennis Nedry stumbles upon that dilophosaurus and it shoots him with that sticky venom? That was awesome, right? It’s too bad that there is actually no evidence at all that dilophosaurus shot venom at their victims to stun them. They also didn’t have that decorative neck frill. I was thrilled when I found that out.
“Oh but the dinosaurs in the movie have mostly frog DNA so I can suspend my disbelief,” you might be thinking to yourself in a last ditch hail mary to preserve any fondness you have for this film. Well guess what motherfucker: basically no two species share a weaker genetic link than frogs and dinosaurs, so trying to fill gene gaps with frog DNA would result in a creature that wouldn’t even survive fertilization. Hahaha. I’m seriously laughing out loud to myself just writing that out.
So what’s next for my studies? Right now, I’m hellbent on discovering that the Giganotosaurus had a big red circle for a nose and made comical squeaky noises as it walked like a fucking dumbass dog toy. If I can’t find any evidence, whatever, I’ll find something else.
Something even worse.
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