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I’m a GOP lawmaker and I’m not worried about AHCA because a Zoltar machine already told me how I’d die – ANITH
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I’m a GOP lawmaker and I’m not worried about AHCA because a Zoltar machine already told me how I’d die

I’m a GOP lawmaker and I’m not worried about AHCA because a Zoltar machine already told me how I’d die


Image: Mashable composite. Getty Images; Flickr/wwarby

Hello, I am a prominent GOP lawmaker and I fully support the AHCA bill that was passed through the House of Representatives. 

To be fair, I don’t believe the bill is in the best interest of the American people. I only support the bill because it won’t personally affect me. No, not because of some loophole that excludes congressmen from being denied coverage for pre-existing conditions, but because the Zoltar Fortune Teller machine on Coney Island already told me how I would die and it is not health-related.

Image: Mashable composite; shutterstock

Ever since I have learned of my scuba-related death from the Zoltar machine I have not given a single fuck about my shitty body. Knowing that my health will not deteriorate until my untimely freak scuba mishap has lifted a weight off my shoulders that I can’t even begin to describe. 

Pre-existing conditions? Sure, I’ve got ’em. Who doesn’t? Frankly, the bill is terrible for people like me and, not to mention, this country as a whole. But at the end of the day I know I will make it through this. That is, through this administration. What I will not make it through, on the other hand, is a trip to Turks and Caicos at age 67, during which I will feel an unyielding and ultimately disastrous urge to scuba dive (an activity that I have yet to even remotely feel any interest in thus far in my 51 years on earth).

Nonetheless, something will compel me to put on that wet suit, dive into the ocean, and meet Death. I will be just 67 years old. The murky ocean waters which surround the scuba center that I voluntarily patronize will be my grave, and I have accepted this.

But I will not die because of this bill. So what do I care? 

Look, this atrocious bill cuts medicaid by $800 billion dollars and will leave millions of Americans uninsured. It’s downright evil. But, once again, it will not personally affect me in any way, shape, or form, because I am destined to suffer a violent, scuba-related death in the shallow waters of the Atlantic ocean when I am just 67. So why shouldn’t I support this to assist my political career? 

The beautiful resort islands of Turks and Caicos where I will prophetically draw my last breath.

The beautiful resort islands of Turks and Caicos where I will prophetically draw my last breath.

Image: Image Source/REX/Shutterstock

If you’re worried about a health crisis in your life, I have one piece of advice for you: go down to the Coney Island docks in New York, put a dollar in the Zoltar Fortune Teller machine, and just see what it tells you.

You people act like you don’t have resources, but there are at least 12 to 15 Zoltar Fortune Teller machines in this country. If you’re lucky like me, the machine will inform of you of your violent, non-health related death, and then you won’t have to worry about this repugnant bill anymore.  

I don’t have much time left before my horrendous, brutal death near the Turks and Caicos Islands. So if I can do anything to help this disgusting political party that I love, then I am happy. 

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Anith Gopal
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