Here are some GoT season 7 theories I came up with while drinking 19 cups of coffee
These days, it seems like everybody has the same old theories about Game Of Thrones. “Jon Snow is Azor Ahai” “Daenerys is Azor Ahai” “Jon Snow is half Targaryan” “Jaime is going to kill Cersei.”
Can you say boring? How have fan theories about our favorite show become so dull when there are still so many avenues left unexplored?
As a huge GoT geek, I really wanted to develop some new theories about Westeros. But I wanted to do it right. So, I decided to caffeinate.
I mean, really caffeinate. I lined up 19 big old cups of coffee, reflected on the show’s intricacies, and the ideas flowed. I finally saw GoT with clarity — my mind was opening.
After my fourth cup of coffee, the ideas started pouring out of me. Take a look.
Coffee #4: Hodor isn’t dead
That’s right. Hodor, the big lumbering giant whom we last saw holding the door so Bran and Meera could escape from wights, is NOT dead. Think about it. We didn’t actually see him die. If this show has taught us anything, it’s not to trust it when it implies that a character is dead. We were led to believe The Hound was dead for three seasons before the show brought him back. My theory is that Hodor is still alive, and I for one won’t believe he’s dead until I see his corpse.
Coffee #5: Jon Snow is still dead
After five coffees, I’ve finally begun to see the light: Jon Snow is still dead. It’s so obvious. The man was stabbed like 15 times. You don’t just come back after that. So that’s that. Jon Snow is still dead.
Coffee #6: Jon Snow was never alive
After my sixth coffee I realized something that completely floored me. Jon Snow was never actually alive to begin with. Mind. Blown. He’s always been dead. Isn’t it so obvious to you, too? It’s pretty obvious that Jon Snow is not alive and is just a figment of Sam Tarly’s imagination. Think about it. Nobody else interacts with him but Sam.
Coffee #7: Jon Snow is alive and is the Forgotten Elk King
I realized after my 7th coffee that actually a lot of characters other than Sam interact with Jon Snow, including his own family. So he is definitely alive and real. But I did come across a different, and even more astonishing, theory: Jon Snow is the reincarnation of the Forgotten Elk King.
Coffee #8: There is something called the Forgotten Elk King
I forget to mention: there is something called the Forgotten Elk King. I analyzed many passages in the books and many instances in the show that all seem to point to the fact that there is something called the Forgotten Elk King and it is the crux of the story. This has yet to be confirmed by George R.R. Martin, or anybody for that matter. And after sifting through both the Game of Thrones and A Song of Ice and Fire subreddits, I discovered that nobody else is talking about the Forgotten Elk King and that I am the only person to have thought of it. Score one for me.
Coffee #9: Hodor is the Forgotten Elk King
The ideas are coming very fast now. The fast ideas are making my eyeballs bounce. After another few seconds of thinking about it I realized that it is not Jon Snow that is the Forgotten Elk King, it is Hodor. Hodor is alive and is the one and only Forgotten Elk King. It is so obvious.
Coffee #10: Hodor is Jon Snow
It is so obvious to me, after these ten coffees are in my body and coursing through my veins. Hodor is, and always has been, Jon Snow. Expect this to be revealed some time this season. There is so much evidence it is astounding (e.g. they are both men, both know Sansa, etc.) I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life.
Coffee #11: No wait, Hodor is dead and Sansa and Jon Snow are both the Forgotten Elk King
Er, hang on. Hodor died (obviously) so he can’t be Jon Snow (who is alive) or the Forgotten Elk King. Instead, Jon Snow and Sansa are both the Forgotten Elk King, each representing the left and right side of Its divine enchanted antlers.
I can’t taste anything anymore and I wonder if I ever will again.
Coffee #12: Nobody is The Forgotten Elk King and it does not exist
I fucked up. The Forgotten Elk King is not a real thing. I made a mistake and I am sorry. I am seeing a new color. I call it Zangshwah and it is a deep teal that takes up half of my vision.
Coffee #13: Game of Thrones is a small boy’s dream.
13 coffees in and I can see my blood through my skin. I envy the dead. It occurred to me that it is possible — and likely — that the entire plot of Game of Thrones exists within a small boy’s dream. Who is that boy? It is impossible to know. I see him, though. He is in my room and he is telling me what to write.
Coffee #14: The dreaming boy is actually Jon Snow.
The small dreaming boy is none other than Jon Snow. I haven’t blinked in 16 minutes.
Coffee #15: I am Jon Snow.
I am Jon Snow I always have been this is the only truth I know I must avenge my father Ned Stark it is the only truth I know
Coffee #16: Frasier is a good and underrated show
I turned on the TV Frasier is so funny haha wow so smart and funny haha why don’t people talk about this show it is really sooo good oh my gosh Niles what are you doing haha wait haha wait this is actually so funny haha
Coffee #17: Game Of Thrones takes place in the same universe as Frasier but not the same universe as Cheers
After watching 18 seconds of Frasier I was cleverly able to deduce that Game of Thrones takes place in the same universe, and roughly a thousand years before the events of Frasier. But not Cheers. Now this implies that Frasier does not take place in the same universe as Cheers even though it is a spin-off. And I will explain.
First let’s look at the character of Frasier Crane in the sitcom Cheers: he likes sports, he likes beer, he loves playing practical jokes, he is very outgoing and very easily makes friends, and he loves dogs.
However, in Frasier he is basically the complete and total opposite: he hates sports and finds them beneath him, he can’t stand beer, he absolutely hates practical jokes of any nature, he is cold and standoffish to people who do not share his interests, and he hates dogs to the point where he actually has dreams where he kills dogs.
And the final nail in this coffin: in Cheers his mother is often portrayed as cold and unstable, whereas in Frasier, his mother is regularly described as kind, sweet, and always able to find something she likes in somebody.
Consensus? Two different mothers because TWO DIFFERENT FRASIERS.
Coffee #18: Jon Snow is Frasier
Now that being said…Frasier (in Frasier) is definitely Jon Snow reincarnated. This is obvious. And going in conjunction with the highly supported theory that Jon Snow is Azor Ahai reincarnated….
(SPOILER ALERT BELOW)
Coffee #19: Frasier is Azor Ahai
Frasier Crane from Frasier is Azor Ahai, the legendary hero who wielded the burning sword called Lightbringer, the Prince who was Promised, the one will lead Westeros through the long night.
I can feel my brain thinking and I am awake for the first time in my life.