Good news, guys! Everyone at the FBI, DOJ, NSA, DHS, and CIA was wrong — there’s no way Russia interfered without elections, according to a very definitive source, Detective Donald Trump.
On Friday, Trump reported that he had asked Putin about Russian interference in the 2016 election and that Putin had denied all allegations. That was enough for hard-nosed Detective Trump to conclude his year-long investigation into Russian interference.
We’re cool now!
Here’s the president’s exhaustive analysis.
“He said he didn’t meddle. I asked him again. You can only ask so many times. I just asked him again. He said he absolutely did not meddle in our election. He did not do what they are saying he did,” Trump said in a session with reporters aboard Air Force One.
According to the president, Putin’s statements are backed up by “everybody.” It’s unclear if this “everybody” includes any American intelligence officials, but I did see some very convincing American eagle Twitter avatars who affirmed the president’s groundbreaking report.
“Everybody knows there was no collusion,” Trump said. “I think it’s a shame that something like this can destroy a very important potential relationship between two countries that are very important countries Russia could really help us.”
I, for one, am convinced. He asked Putin and he denied it? Foolproof!
Not everyone on the internet quite agreed, including, uh, his own CIA, and, double uh, the Kremlin:
POTUS embraces Putin yet again telling world he believes former KGB agent’s denial of attack on our election over our own Intel public servants, calling them “political hacks.” Disturbing and shamelessly unpatriotic, on Veterans Day no less.
— Sally Yates (@SallyQYates) November 11, 2017
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” JFK
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Reagan
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” FDR
— W. Kamau Bell (@wkamaubell) November 11, 2017
In my years of reporting on Russia, I too have found that if you ask a former KGB agent an accusatory question about his actions, he will generally be straight with you. https://t.co/V3L6kAKEDn
— Julia Ioffe (@juliaioffe) November 11, 2017
I bet if we could get Putin and Obama to say the same thing and then ask Trump whose side he’s on his head would explode.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 11, 2017
Putin would not make Donald Trump wear lipstick and a miniskirt but damn, if he wanted too he could.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) November 11, 2017
CIA chief Mike Pompeo: Putin attacked 2016 election.
DNI Dan Coats: Putin attacked 2016 election.
FBI director Christopher Wray: Putin attacked 2016 election.
NSA head Mike Rogers: Putin attacked 2016 election.
Putin: I did not attack 2016 election.
Trump: I believe Putin.
— David Corn (@DavidCornDC) November 11, 2017
Wow! @CIA Director Mike Pompeo releases statement endorsing intel conclusion Russia meddled direct challenge to @realDonaldTrump comments accepting #Putin denial and calling ex CIS officials political hacks
— Andrea Mitchell (@mitchellreports) November 11, 2017
[and now, another episode of Donald Trump, master interrogator]
TRUMP Did you do the hack?
TRUMP You sure?
TRUMP I’m good.
[this has been another episode of Donald Trump, master interrogator]
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 11, 2017
Move over, Miss Marple, the CIA, the FBI and basically anyone who knows anything about Russia. Detective Donald Trump is on the case.