7 crafty animals who manage to masturbate without hands
This post is part of Mashable’s Masturbation Week. May is National Masturbation Month, so we’re celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
As Dr. Ian Malcolm says in the original Jurassic Park, “Nature finds a way.”
Yes, nature does find a way to flourish, to spread, to evolve — and even to masturbate.
But what about all those animals that aren’t primates? How can species that lack hands perform this tender act of self-love? Think of the whales and the turtles.
Here are seven animals that bravely find pretty NSFW ways to get their rocks off — and we mean actual rocks — without the use of hands.
Even though penguins can’t fly, they have found ways to get off. If you’ve seen March of the Penguins, you know things can get really dire and lonely out there on the ice.
The sensual side of Adélie penguins was first detailed in the 1912 journal of scientist George Murray Levick. While exploring Antarctica, he found the birds stimulating their genitals against rocks, and, as you would, by sliding on ice. The journal was deemed too scandalous for public consumption and was only unearthed in 2012.
But other penguins since then have been observed exhibiting the same behavior. It’s nice that they have a way to keep warm in the cold.
If you didn’t know that turtles masturbate, then you clearly haven’t seen this actually adorable video of a little turtle making sweet love to a Croc sandal.
There are actually a surprising number of videos on YouTube of turtles masturbating by rubbing their privatest parts on everything from rocks to gravel. And one thing really stands out: Slow and steady wins the race.
It’s pretty well known that dolphins are very sex-positive creatures.
They’ve been known to have orgies and regularly engage in male-male and female-female oral sex. So masturbation should be no big surprise.
As seen in the video above, basically they find things to rub themselves on. That could be anything from the bit of fabric that this playful dolphin uses on its member to the bottlenose dolphin’s practice of wrapping “a live, wriggling eel” around its penis. Oh, and they also sometimes insert their penis’ in each others’ blowholes. Nature!
Of course, the females masturbate as well, mostly through rubbing their vaginas on the sandy ocean floor.
Yes, hedgehogs masturbate. And they do so with a little skill called “self-fellatio” — no doubt making them the envy of the entire animal kingdom.
It makes a lot of sense, since they can roll up into a little ball, that they’d be able to reach their genitalia. And they do! Apparently, with some regularity.
This was definitely never featured in any of the Sonic games.
Us humans have been obsessed with dildos, dongs, fleshlights, and vibrators for too long. If we can learn anything about self pleasure from other landlocked animals, rocks are where it’s at. Hmm.
Male elephants are the perfect teachers for this lesson. Without any flexible digits, they’re left to rub their large penises against anything they can find — and that definitely includes rocks.
Walruses may not have a need for arms and legs, but they still have the need to masturbate.
Luckily, the flippers that walruses use to swim through the frigid ocean can also easily reach down and stroke whatever needs stroking.
The above video shows a randy beast who tried to woo a female and was turned down. Luckily, he had a plan B.
Squirrels, and other rodents, often indulge in a little self-love, and they really want you to know about it.
As evidenced by the above video, squirrels rub themselves against their surroundings. This particular squirrel chose the branch of a tree. It also chose to squeak as loud as possible with each thrust. It sounds kind of like a dog who got ahold of an annoying chew toy. But it also sounds like he’s having a lot of fun.
Interestingly, male squirrels also masturbate to clean out their sperm ducts so females don’t get STDs from old semen.
So, cheers to all the members of the animal kingdom that find creative ways to pleasure themselves. You’ve taught us all a thing or two. Especially about rocks.