5 new Lyft features we are looking forward to
Here at Lyft, we care about two things: honesty and innovation. Also, admitting when we’ve made a mistake. Also driving or whatever.
Now, if Lyft’s new service, dubbed “Lyft Shuttle” seems familiar, that’s because it is a bus. Who knew?
Making preset stops along a preset route in a shared vehicle has existed for several years, apparently. So, as it turns out, we here at Lyft invented the bus and called it Lyft Shuttle. And you know what? That’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes, including us. And we are copping to it.
Now, as we deal with the next steps in the life of Lyft Shuttle, we’d like to introduce an exciting new Lyft feature: Lyft Rail.
Customers have repeatedly made clear that while they rely on Lyft for short distances, they’d love it if there were a service for faster travel over long distances. Lyft Rail is exactly that. Using machines that run on steam over what we’re calling “Long Metal Roads,” Lyft Rail is able to travel extremely long distances in a fraction of the time of a typical Lyft car.
You may be thinking, “Is this trains? Has Lyft invented trains?” The answer to your question is simple: No, of course not. This is Lyft Rail, idiot.
To use, simply open your Lyft app and select your destination off of a list of pre-defined “Lyft Rail Stations” peppered across the contiguous United States. Travel to one of these stations using a Lyft car, and purchase a “Lyft Ticket.” from one of our “Lyftductors.”
The more I’ve described this, the more I’m realizing that Lyft Rail is “trains.” I apologize, and I should not have called you an idiot. Lyft Rail is cancelled. But we are SO excited to instead debut:
Lyft Water is a service for customers looking to travel beyond the road. We’re speaking, of course, about traveling over the water. Whether it’s simply the fastest route, or you prefer a more scenic trip, Lyft Water is an incredible experience for Lyft users. To use, simply open your Lyft app and find your nearest Lyft Port. Purchase a “ticket” for a “Prescheduled Lyft Water Ride” and wait for your driver to arrive at the port.
Before you ask: no, this is not a “ferry” or a “cruise ship.” We want to get ahead of that line of thinking. Lyft Water is nothing like a cruise or a ferry. We don’t know WHY everyone keeps SAYING THAT but it is VERY FRUSTRATING.
..Damnit it’s a ferry, isn’t it. Son of a — forget it. Okay. Okay, it’s fine, everything is fine. How about:
Lyft Mountain Trolleys
Finally, a Lyft service for the hard-to-navigate terrain of mountains! Gone are the days of trekking all the way up a mountain just to ski back down it — now all you need is the Lyft app and a credit card! Lyft Mountain Trolleys are motorized baskets attached to a wire, that transport users up a mountain while also providing a scenic view of the majestic landscape below!
Update: Lyft Mountain Trolleys are ski lifts and they already exist for free with the purchase of a ski resort pass. We apologize for the mistake. That being said, we are thrilled to introduce:
Lyft Foot Things
Have you ever experienced this: your destination is too close for a Lyft car, but too far to walk on the ground without protection on your feet from the hard, rocky surface of most roads? Ha, us too! That’s why we’re introducing “Lyft Foot Things”: leather/canvas feet coverings with rubber on the bottom for WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING THIS IS SHOES. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, GOOD LORD.
Okay, here’s something. We discovered these animals (we’re calling them Lyft Beasts) and decided to train them to deliver messages from place to place. Now, it’s not for traveling per say, but they could be used to transport messages.
To use, simply… this is a carrier pigeon, isn’t it? I’m just a copywriter, I don’t get to see the promotional material before I write my thing. Is this just carrier pigeons? THEY ARE ALREADY A THING. Is everyone at this company insane? What are we DOING??
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.